Resonance

"I can't put up with grief", she said in a pitch little louder than her usual. I couldn't help notice a quiver in her voice, like it was about to break down. A few minutes back, when she entered the room, she was singing one of my favorite songs. She was a shy singer. Once, she confessed that she did not have a singer's voice, nevertheless, she loved to sing. Often, she sang her heart out, looking at me, which was something she enjoyed the most. That, she had once said, would make her appear more confident, feel more content and look more graceful. And then she would stare at me searching for an acknowledgement of the compliment that she had given to herself.

That day she was looking into her laptop and singing—
Beqarar dil is tarah mile, jis tarah kabhi hum judaa naa the. (Anxious hearts met in such a way, as if we never had gone astray)

The song was interrupted when she stumbled upon an old memory. And then I saw her face change. It illuminated like the rising summer sun, followed by a smile, which was brutally stopped halfway on her face and then it withered away, like a dry autumn leaf, lost in the whirl of wind. 

Her expressions had transitioned from euphoric to thoughtful and then turned wry. I saw her walk slowly and sit on the chair in front of me. She looked at me or rather through me. She seemed to be so far away. All I could do was wait. 

And then she began speaking. She told me how much she loved the people her life. "I want to hold the people I love with these two hands as tight as I can" she said, showing me her hands. "And if that is less, I will embrace them".  She had stretched her arms which made her look like a kid, when she was already sounding like one. Telepathic that she was, she read my mind, put her hands down and restructured her poise.  "I can cope up with sadness but I cannot put up with grief", she said with a shaky voice followed by the explanation of their difference. "Sadness is soothing.  It is like the memories that you hold on to so firmly. You don’t ever want to part with them. It’s the pain of missing someone you loved so much, that you are in love even with that pain. That is sadness. You create it, it grows in you, it belongs to you, you love it and no one can separate it from you. But grief, it is not something you ask for. It’s what comes as an unwanted supplement and is stuck with you for a lifetime. The worst part—you cannot do anything about it". With a large tear rolling down her cheek she completed, "Grief is helplessness".

As much as I wanted to console her, I waited for her to gather herself again. She stood up and walked away. When she came back, she was composed. And she looked at her image and smiled. In resonance we sang-
Tum bhi kho gaye, hum bhi kho gaye, ek raah par chalke do kadam. (You got lost, I got lost too, walking a few steps together)

Singing to her reflection, because that was something she enjoyed the most.

Rising in love

She had always been a deep sleeper. Her sleep had defeated all hurdles. Be it an imaginary earthquake felt by her room mate who had tried in vain to wake her up, or a robbery in the neighbourhood when all the people from the locality were out on the street at midnight and her father had to lock the door when she was left alone sleeping inside or the long power cuts in summer nights when her sisters would wake up and play Antakshari around her. Nothing could disturb her slumber. She slept peacefully, like a baby. Until she fell in love. And no one can fall in love and remain the same. Here's a scribbling from her diary-


Somewhere in the middle, of the night you had woken up because your throat went dry and demanded water. Thousand kilometres away, I had woken up because of the mini earth quake that my phone had caused and had sent the vibration from under the pillow where I had started placing it every night. The long vibration tone and the placement of the phone right under the pillow were both strategic. Since the last few nights my brain had auto programmed itself to react to them- the reaction was excitement. This time, even in the middle of the night, with the sleepiest head ever, my brain got a signal that the vibration had made me happy. I reached for my phone and opened my right eye to check your message. While it took about 2 seconds for my eye sight to adjust to the brightness of my phone screen which contradicted to the darkness of the room, my brain was sending it yet another signal to shut up and go back to sleep. Ignoring that, I fumbled with the phone pass code thrice until I managed to get it right. The phone finally unlocked and I read your message. My fingers went agile and typed a quick response and sent it. I was glaring at the phone with one eye open focussing hard at your status, waiting for it to change from online to typing. It did happen in the next 3 seconds which actually seemed like 3 minutes at 3 am in the night. And even when your message said- 'good, go back to sleep' which was exactly what my brain was asking me to do, I typed Bye and waited - for your status to turn from online to typing. But it turned offline. And in the next couple of minutes, the phone's display, my open eye and my mind dimmed successively, until I was woken up by another long vibration few hours later and I opened another eye.


The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.. We know the truth not only by the reason, but by the heart." - Blaise Pascal

Pyaasa

This is a fan post. I have turned into a Guru Dutt's fan of Pyaasa! When I mentioned this to my friend who is a fan of Guru Dutt's another cult work, Kagaz ke phool, he said 'kya gham hai tumhari life mein'.

Technically, there is no gham(sadness), I told him. The world has been fair to me, life has been easy and I have always met people who loved me back more than I had expected. But when I watched Pyaasa, something inside me changed. It was the ultimate happiness of liking something that I cannot relate to.

Pyaasa is magnificent- The story of a struggling poet, Vijay, played by the actor who makes me blush at the mention of his name- Guru Dutt. I have replayed that part 12 times when a young bashful Guru Dutt tries to woo the girl in classroom with his spontaneous poetry -

Jab Hum Chale Toh Saaya Bhi Apna Na Saath De, Jab Tum Chalo Zameen Chale Aasman Chale, Jab Hum Ruke Toh Saath Ruke Sham-e-bekasi, Jab Tum Ruko Bahaar Ruke Chandni Ruke

While the entire movie revolves around this artist’s struggle, what keeps him going is his art itself and a secret admirer with a heart of gold. It couldn't have been pulled off by anyone as beautifully as done by Waheeda Rehman, the epitome of grace. When he encounters the woman he had loved and finds her married to his employer, amidst an elite party of established poets, he lets loose the most soulful song of his time. And though I had grown up listening to this melody, I had never really understood the depth of its lyrics until, Vijay the disparaged poet sings it-

Bichhad gayaa har saathi dekar pal do pal ka saath 
Kisko fursat hai jo thaame deewano ka haath
Humko toh apna saaya tak aqsar bezaar mila
Humne toh jab kaliyaan maangi kaaton ka haar mila 
Jaane woh kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila

Nothing could beat this lethal combination – S. D. Burmans’s melody, Hemant Kumar’s voice, Sahir Ludhianvi’s words and the screen presence of Guru Dutt.

For the next four days this movie stayed with me and I couldn't help talk about anything else.

‘But Guru Dutt was a pessimist’ said my friend on the fifth day. I blushed, as I had only heard the subject and ignored the predicate of his statement. My friend got confused and added- 'That is why he died a tragic death at 39'.
‘That’s the best part’ I exclaimed, ‘His fans got to see only the young and charming Guru Dutt.’
‘That’s not true’, he said ‘Technically, we have seen the old Guru Dutt too’.
‘Kagaz ke phool’ We both said almost together.

Dekhi Zamaane Ki Yaari
Bichhade Sabhi, Bichhade Sabhi Baari Baari

Nameless Alliance

It all began with a casual email that she wrote to him. Her approach to life then had not been any more serious than the tone of their conversations. 

'An alliance is anything that involves two people' she had said to him. ‘It need not be further complicated by categorizing it. Keep it simple.’ And thus she had denied tagging their alliance to any name. This was after he had said to her ’Let’s be friends’ after her third email in which she had mentioned that she was not looking for any new relationships or commitments in her life.  He had explained to her that he wasn't looking for any romantic involvements himself. All that he cared for was good companionship and a casual friendship. But she did not budge. For her friendship was never casual. ‘I give a part of myself to the friends that I make and if for any reason that friendship doesn't last, I never get back that part’ she had written back in the email. And simply by reading it he could imagine the serious face that she would have made while writing that line. In his next email, he tried explaining his philosophy to her; friends either give you companionship or memories, both of which are a treasure to live with. To this email her reply was long silence of three weeks in which he checked his email every hour. Hope turned into despair and he wrote a new email to her with subject line- I agree to a nameless alliance. The next hour he checked his inbox in every five minutes. Just before the end of the hour she responded. And then the emails continued.

He was not of the type who could be bullied by a girl. In his past relationships, he had discovered that he could not keep himself committed to a woman who tells her what to do. He was even ready to let go the girl he had loved when she had asked him to get a haircut done. With reasons as petty as this, he had walked out of relationships with no regret. But when he was writing emails to this distant female, he felt like he was communicating with someone who was as detached as himself. With her it was never about what she wanted him to do. It was the way it should be. It was as if no other way ever existed.

They continued to reply on the same email for months. Twelve months and 279 emails later, he wrote to her- One year to nameless alliance!  Her reaction to the email was another email with subject line ‘Let’s be friends’. To which she received a long silence of three weeks in which she checked her email every hour. Until she finally wrote to him again…

Experimented Narration

As narrated by one my guy friend who supposedly likes staying away from girls -
 
I was late for office and was standing at the fuel station awaiting my turn. Standing ahead of me was what looked like a female figure. Yes, it’s her that I have to tell you about. Right now even if I try to visualize her I don’t really remember what she was wearing or how she looked. All I remember is standing behind a black Activa whose rider was a girl who wore a big helmet. There were two people ahead of her in the queue. I looked at my watch and wished this girl would disappear. I hate standing behind girls in any queue. They take a lot of time at most of such places. Three guys in a row would take lesser time for withdrawing cash from an ATM machine than a single girl would take.
 
While I was cursing this girl for standing ahead of me, I noticed she had an Accenture parking sticker. It didn’t excite me or anything because you know like you and me almost every tenth person in Bangalore works for Accenture. When her turn came, she was done in about 40 seconds and I stood there surprised by her swiftness. The guy behind me honked and I moved forward. She had intrigued me so I decided to follow her. She hadn't gone far and it was not difficult to catch up. I stayed right behind her until the Accenture main gate, parking and elevator. Something about her kept me interested all this while. It was her swiftness and ease. It took her seconds to identify the perfect parking spot, get rid of her helmet and walk towards the elevator.  I parked a few blocks away from her and ran towards the elevator. I had to see her face. When the elevator door opened she walked in along with me and other two people. I saw her, she had an average appearance. Not that it mattered or anything, as I was hardly looking for any possible infatuations. I was simply intrigued and I wanted to know her. I noticed what floor button she pushed and waited. I also peeked at her access card and made a note her name in my mind. I didn't know what to do next. You know I have never tried to follow or stalk a girl before. I wished her phone, wallet or keys fall down and she forgets them there and then I call her and give it to her and she promises me a coffee in return. But nothing of that sort happened. The elevator door opened  at 4th floor and she walked out with the same grace. I pretended to look at my phone because I thought she looked back for a moment. Did she know that I was following her?
 
By this time I was feeling very weird. You know me; I am not one of those guys who go drooling over girls. I keep my distance from girls, I mean apart from a few like you who are my friends. Now please don’t give me that 'you are such a sexist' look. I have nothing against girls. I just can’t understand their species, they seem different creatures to me. I find them complicated and over emotional. Also they are weak and we need to do all the hefty stuff for them. OK, I think that's a little harsh but trust me it’s not that I don’t like girls. I like you, I like Simi. Actually I am not sure about Simi. Sometimes she just makes a lot of fuss about things. Like she freaks out when her manager asks her to work on Saturday. I mean its ok, everyone has to extend at times but when she is asked to do that she keeps cribbing about it all day. You also do it sometimes, I mean you don’t crib and all but you try to prove yourself right all the time and when someone doesn’t agree with you, you don’t give up. You keep trying until you convince them. You know sometimes people don’t really agree with you. They just say it because they want you to stop. But then if I tell you all this you won’t be upset with me. That’s what I like about you.
 
Okay so about the girl. Her name on the card was Meenakshi Madhav. I searched for her on the people profile and found details about her team, her technical domain and other uninteresting stuff like that. Next, I searched her on Facebook using filters like Accenture, Bangalore etc. For someone who is new to stalking I was doing pretty good cause I found her profile. I saw her public posts, pictures etc. Again I was at the same stage not knowing what to do next. It gave very little information about her. Then I got busy with work and forgot about her. During the bed time thoughts session I tried to analyze about her with things I already knew. She rode to office on her Activa. That meant she either belonged to Bangalore or married. Yes I am pretty sure of that because if she was like Simi who is single and an outsider, she would have blown up all her salary in buying those over expensive shoes and bags from the mall. Such girls would shell out two hundred rupees to the rickshaw Anna on weekends but would never invest in buying something as sensible as a two wheeler. Or may be Meenakshi has a husband who got her that Activa or she's probably living here with her family and the same Activa is being used by her mom, her sisters and her father occasionally when he doesn’t want to take out the big car. How could I find out which of these was true.
 
I almost forgot about her in the following weeks with the increasing workload. I saw her couple of times in the cafeteria. On one of these occasions she was wearing an off white cotton saree for some ethnic day celebration. She looked prettier than usual. Don’t mistake this for me getting attracted to her or anything. I had the least of any such intentions. Also at this point, I had been beginning to think that she should be married. You know she wore those long earing. Girls usually start dressing like that once they get married. It’s like they want to show everyone that they look different than earlier. I personally think they look gaudier. Not you of course, you look just the same. Nobody would know you are married. Do you do it deliberately by any chance? Also, Meenakshi even though she wears those long earing she doesn’t look gaudy, I think they suit her well. What! Don’t look at me like that; it’s not that I have fallen for her or anything. Come on, every guy has an eye for beauty.
 
Two days back when I was leaving for home I saw her in the parking. I started riding behind the black Activa and the big helmet. I stayed behind her following her lane admiring the way she was careful and quick at the same time in that terrible Bangalore traffic. She took a turn in one of the less crowded roads of HAL and I knew I had to be careful now or she would notice me. She took another left to an almost empty lane. I stopped there and waited to check which turn she would take. But she stopped right before the cut in front of a big gate. She killed the engine of her Activa but she wasn't going inside. Unsure of what to do next, I carefully moved a little forward in her direction when I saw a big car coming outside of the gate. A middle aged lady who looked like her mom came out from the car and gave her the house keys. On the driver seat was probably her father. 'She lives with her family' I almost yelled in my mind.
 
Yesterday, I gathered up the courage and sent her a friend request on Facebook. Let’s see what happens next. But just to make myself clear, you don’t get any wrong ideas. I am not into her or anything of that sort. Okay you are probably getting late that's all I had to tell you. Oh and by the way if you want to see her come to the cafeteria tomorrow between 4 to 4.45 pm. She comes for tea between that time every day.
 

Life in full circles

                                                                                      
*The circle of thought*

For those, like me who think a lot -- What is simple is obvious, but in our need to be different from others, we like complex things or complicating things. After a while the complexities in our mind entangle within themselves and we need to unravel them to maintain our sanity. It is then that we reach a point where we tend to move backward - from where it all started. In this reverse journey we realize the joy of simplicity. This rewarding experience of discovering that all the complexities in your mind can be solved by thinking simple thoughts is only for those, like me who take the efforts of complicating things.
 

*The circle of living*

If life is a journey, then there has to be a destination. If there is a destination then it has to be definite. If we reach that destination, the journey of life has to end. Wouldn't that mean death? If a journey ends at it's destination, does life end at death? Is death the only way that life ends or does it end even when we stop living it?
 

*The circle of optimism*

Hope is a beautiful word. We see dreams and desire things that we might not deserve. Yet we take risks and indulge in winning them. Soon we realize that failure is just as far as our threshold of giving up. This failure breaks us down, but we survive with the hope of living again. Heartbroken, we try to put back the remaining pieces together. Deep down inside we know, we will need them again someday. It is this anticipation of the unknown future that helps us conquer the past disappointment. Before we know we are back in the game. And then we see a dream again. Hope is indeed a beautiful word.
 

Imaginations Alive

Imaginations of an insanely romantic heart-


Ye mausam ye raat chup hai
Ye hothon ki baat chup hai
Khamoshi sunane lagi hai daastan
Nazar ban gayi hai, dil ki zubaan.

Sitting at an arms distance from you on a four feet bench, I felt tongue tied. You talked about random things for a while to overcome the awkwardness. Overwhelmed by your presence around me I was delving deep into the joy of the moment. No matter how intensely, I wanted to convey my feelings , I just could not speak out. Just about when it was time for me to leave, you quit your endeavors and relaxed. I looked at you and you looked into my eyes. Your gaze focused on my eyes as if it were searching for a sign . You sight reached the point where your eyes penetrated my soul. It was then that I saw something shining in them. It was my reflection. My eyes smiled as I knew my feelings had found a carrier. It was love in the air.



Har mulaaqaat ka anjaam judai kyun hai
Ab toh har waqt yahi baat satati hai humein

It was the third time that my phone rang. We sat on a different bench this time. I knew I was horribly late and I would have to make up a zillion stories explaining myself later. I cursed the technology for making me so easily reachable to people when the only person that I wanted to be with was in my reach. 'You were saying something' I said disconnecting the call ( astonished at my own courage). You seemed happy at my action and continued telling me about how you felt about the institution of marriage. I was nodding in agreement and imagining how blissful our marriage could be. Life could be as beautiful and blessed like the past two hours that I had been spending with you.'Do you know how beautiful you are' you said as you caught me staring into void occupied with my futuristic optimism. 'What!' I said, though I had heard it good enough. 'You are very beautiful' you repeated looking straight into my eyes. At that, my cheeks turned red and knees went weak. I felt like I was floating in the air engulfed between the dark pink clouds. My trembling hand wanted to hold yours to find the strength. But before the courage to do that could reach my frail hand, the network transmissions reached me. My phone rang again! With you, time flew.